Conversations with a 5 year old About Marriage

The other morning C turned to me and announced, “I think I’m going to marry T.”

My immediate reaction was, “Why do you want to marry T?”

“Because he’s silly. And he has a round head.”

Ahh… I see. In previous conversations with my 5 year old munchkin, she had stated that she wants to marry someone like her Baba. Someone with the important characteristics of:

#1 – A silly nature

#2 – A round head (If you haven’t noticed by now, C has an affinity for circular things, heads included.)

She then proceeded to ask, “Who else do you think I can marry?”

With raised eyebrows, I replied, “But you know you can only marry one person.”

“I know!” she answered matter-of-factly.

Obviously, she’s still thinking about the matter. 🙂

As C ponders about her future hubby, I thought I’d come up with three points for her (and E) to consider about marriage (some 15-20 years from now of course). These are things I wish I had known when I was 5. 😉

1. Understand yourself. Know what your personality is like, particularly the traits that could drive your future spouse bananas. This includes being passive-aggressive when upset (ahem, maybe me) or messy/forgetful much of the time (ahem, definitely not me). 😛 Be willing to accept input from family and friends who know you well and have your best interests at heart, and focus on growing and changing to be the most loving version of yourself. Be happy and whole as an individual, try new things, have fun, and live the life God has given you to the fullest.

2. Understand relationships. Don’t base your ideas and expectations of a relationship off of Hollywood movies or romance books, even the one your mama wrote (insert shameless plug for my book here). 😉 Know that people are complicated and messy on their own, and mixing two people’s complications and messiness together only equals more complications and messiness. Strengthen your communication skills in the areas of listening, resolving conflict and negotiation because these skills will help you thrive in all kinds of relationships.

3. Understand your significant other. When you do spot someone (on the playground, in a classroom, at the cafe, across a crowded room, etc.), who sparks your interest, get to know the person better. Preferably in different situations and over the course of a looong time. Baba recommends observing the person’s competitive spirit, so please invite that person over for a game of mahjong Mario Kart sometime. Lastly, but most importantly, ask for God’s, your family’s and friends’ input about the person and listen with both your ears and your heart.

Then … when you think you’re ready for a relationship (with all of its beautiful and adventurous ups and downs) and have found a person whom you adore and adores you back, break the news to Baba and me gently (sniff, sniff!), so we can accept the fact that our little munchkins won’t stay little forever.

In the meantime, I’ll be keeping an eye on Mr. T. 🙂

C and T at school. (Don't worry, I was kidding about keeping an eye on him. This picture was actually taken by his mom.)

Here’s C and T at school. (Don’t worry, I was kidding about keeping an eye on him! This picture was actually taken by his mom.)

Take a listen to this fun song about love, “Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows (subtitled in Spanish for some reason).

What great love/marriage advice have you received? What relationship advice would you give to your friends, siblings or kids?

The Sweetness of Old Love

Hubby and I are attending a wedding this weekend, and two thoughts come to mind – YAY for our friends, and awww, it’s going to be a big mush-fest.

Don’t you just enjoy seeing couples getting hitched? There’s something about weddings that is so refreshing and warm fuzzy, kind of like the feeling you get when you slip on a pair of toasty socks fresh out of the dryer. Perhaps it’s the ideality of the situation, the sweet hopes and dreams that a bride and groom share when they make their vows. Or the high level of happiness surrounding an event that brings family and friends from around the globe together. Or, maybe for some, it’s the free food and drinks. 😉

The reason I enjoy going to weddings is to see new love. New love is quite possibly one of the most beautiful sights to behold. It’s what causes couples to stare longingly and adoringly into each other’s eyes, to call each other cute nicknames, such as Pumpkin or Snookums (or if you’re Chinese – Lao Gong/Lao Po), and to want to spend every single second of the day together, just to be in each other’s presence.

Yes, new love is terribly, wonderfully sweet.

But did you know there’s something that tops even that? There’s something else that can pull at your heartstrings and make your teeth ache even more from sugar-overload.

Yup, the only thing sweeter than new love is old love. 🙂

Old love is like the couple who sometimes goes through an entire day without realizing they hadn’t shared a kiss, but they know how the other person is feeling just from hearing their voice on the phone. It’s having the assurance that your hubby knows you so well that when you ask him to bring home lunch (after having survived taking your kid to the dentist to get three teeth pulled), you open the to-go box to find exactly what you wanted. And it’s the ability to freak your hubby out by predicting exactly what he’s doing, when he’s doing it (see below for proof).

This was a real exchange between hubby and me. LOL

If you ask me, I think old love is pretty awesome. 🙂

This is my wish for our soon-to-be-married friends, that they will have a beautiful day celebrating their new love and look forward to a lifetime of happily developing their old love.

Take a listen to this perfect wedding song, “You and Me”, by Lifehouse.

What do you enjoy most about weddings? 

An Unexpected Trip to the ER and a Confession

My family and I had the pleasure of taking a short weekend getaway to a nearby beach town last weekend. It was the four of us, plus my parents and sister and brother-in-law. One weekend together staying in a quaint house should have equaled semi-rest and relaxation (after all, we had babysitters on hand); what we didn’t expect however was that it would also include a visit to the ER.

Hubby, the kids and the grandparents had settled themselves comfortably on a stretch of sand while my sister and bro-in-law had gone boogie boarding. I had been given the task of buying some beach toys because we of course had forgotten to bring our whole stash of shovels, pails and molds from home. I had just made the purchase and was returning my wallet to my purse when I decided to check my phone.

Three missed calls and one voicemail?!?! I had not even been gone for ten minutes. What could be wrong?

As I walked out of the store, I listened to the message from my mom and heard the worry in her voice as she said, “T dislocated his shoulder again! He needs to go to the hospital!”

My thought process went something like this:

AIYA! But they barely got into the water! It was probably a foreshadowing of things to come when T joked, “It was nice knowing you” right before he headed off towards the ocean. Oh dear! Where, what, how …?!?!

After a series of calls and missed calls, I finally reached my mom who told me hubby and the kids had driven our bro-in-law and my sister to the ER. I met up with my parents, and we decided to walk the 1.3 miles back to our rental house, two boogie boards and an unopened bag of sand toys in tow.

The thirty minute stroll (which could have taken twenty minutes had we thought to take a shortcut via a bridge) gave us a good opportunity to enjoy the warm sunshine. It also provided a rare chance for my parents and I to chat, just the three of us. So there we were, looking very touristy with Google maps open on my phone, walking single file up and down the narrow streets when my dad called up to me, “I told Mommy when you got married that I was worried it wouldn’t work out.”

Later on when I shared my dad’s confession with hubby, he also said, without batting an eye, “I was worried, too.”

Hm … Was I the only person who had optimistically naively thought our dating relationship, and subsequent marriage, would have a happily ever after?

Apparently, yes. 😉

You may be wondering what all the fuss was about? Well, let’s just say that hubby and I are very different in a lot of areas, personality and dating histories being two of them. Throw in some concerned family and friends to the mix, and well, you’ve got some legitimately concerned family and friends.

Looking back, I can say I was 100% sure of my decision to marry hubby. But frankly speaking, my confidence came from a lot of unrealistic notions of love and marriage. Beliefs such as: troubles will never come our way; we will always feel loving towards each other; and we’ll always have a happy relationship (yes, I’ve needed to wean myself from an “all or nothing” mentality over the years). What I learned in the days following our wedding was the complete opposite: all couples will face troubles; there will be times when you dislike each other; and there will be plenty of moments when you drive each other bananas.

Isn't this a cute group of bananas?

Isn’t this a cute group of bananas?

The years leading up to today have included many such doses of reality. But as an older friend at church (with eleven years of marriage under his belt compared to our one at the time) once told us, “It gets better.”

It does?! If so, when? And how? His comment left me with some doubt, but also with some hope.

But he was right. Marriage does get better. With time, you really get to know your spouse, his way of thinking, doing and planning (or not planning). You grow to trust each other more. You learn to not take things so personally. You try to become a better lover and friend.

The key is that it takes time. Time to change and to see change happen. So it’s important that we be patient with our spouses and with ourselves. Our marriages are a work in progress because we are a work in progress.

On that note, my dad followed up on his confession during our walk with this: “I see how happy your (and your sister’s) marriages are and I’m not worried anymore.”

Whew. 🙂

Here’s Alicia Keys’ song, “If I Ain’t Got You“, a sappy, but powerful love song. 😉

In what ways have you seen a relationship or marriage improve over the years?

P.S. Our brother-in-law got his shoulder relocated at the hospital (his 7th time!) and has now learned how to do it himself should it ever happen again. 😛

My Real Life Love Story

As some of you may know, I’ve been working on an adult fiction book for about a year now. I spend much of my day (and some wee hours of the night) thinking, imagining, and trying to breathe life into a love story on “paper”. If you were to look at my computer screen, you would see multiple windows open across the top: Google docs (where I store the literary products of my blood, sweat and tears; AutoCrit.com (a cool online editing tool); Thesaurus.com (for looking up synonyms of words I tend to overuse); YouTube (for playing cheesy love songs in the background); and Facebook (for moments of writer’s block). Add my creative juices to the mix and I’ve got the perfect ingredients for writing romance, right?

Um, maybe.

One thing I’ve learned through my writing endeavors is that you can only write what you know. Sure, fiction allows for a lot of room to invent new characters and places, but the heart of a love story is still about the romance. Which makes me wonder if I should be writing romance at all because truth be told, I’m not a very romantic person. I’m a little too structured to do anything spontaneous. I’m much too cheap to spend money on extravagant things. I’m way too square to behave passionately. 😉

This poses a problem since romance is all about throwing caution to the wind, laying everything on the line, and – this is for all you closet Beliebers out there – believing you can survive starvation, homelessness and bankruptcy because you have love (sigh! haha). Even if it is a bit exaggerated, this idea of romance is what you hope love stories are made of.

So how in the world does an unromantic gal like me find inspiration for a romantic novel?

Simply put, from my own love story. 🙂 Let me share it with you now.

Hubby and I met at church when he and I were 25 and 23 respectively, but our paths had actually crossed about a decade earlier on the final day of a joint church retreat. Although I don’t have the best memory, I distinctly remember noticing the slim, self-assured guy preparing to take our group picture and how he ran over to stand about five feet from me before the camera clicked. Years later after we were married, a friend of ours showed us the photo from that summer day and pointed out that, sure enough, hubby was the photographer who had caught my eye as a teenager.

When we officially met as adults, I remember exchanging names, shaking hands, and wondering if he was younger than me (we both looked like babies back then!). Over the course of a few months, we exchanged numbers from our very first cell phones (which were the size of today’s landlines), emailed each other every day (this was pre-Facebook), and eventually had “The Talk”. Fast forward a year and a half later, he took my parents out for dinner (without my knowledge) and asked for their blessing to marry me. During the week he proposed, he woke up early every day to surprise me with roses and cards on my car windshield and ended the week with a beautiful bouquet delivered to my workplace. That Saturday he took me out to dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date, then to a hilltop overlooking the city skyline. There he turned on the tape deck of his blue Mitsubishi Eclipse, sang his proposal to the tune of a song I liked, and presented me with a ring. I said “Yes!” and the rest, like they say, is history. 🙂

This was hubby's surprise for me for our 10th anniversary. Yes, I think he's the romantic one between the two of us!

Hubby reenacted “proposal week” for our 10th anniversary – the trail led down the stairs to a vase of roses. Yes, I think he’s the romantic one between the two of us!

I share these memories with you because it helps me remember the wonder and thrill of young love. Not only does reliving the past provide great inspiration for my book, but it also injects a new zest for romance in real life, too – specifically in my marriage. I’m reminded to treasure the man whose bright smile I fell in love with. To stand by the vows I spoke to him thirteen years ago (come next Monday). To see the best in him even when we drive each other crazy. And to choose to fall in love with him over and over again.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll grow a romantic bone or two in the process. 🙂

Take a listen to Sara Bareilles’ new love song, “I Choose You“. May the lyrics prompt you to remember your own love story.

How did you and your spouse meet and fall in love? How do you continue to keep the romance alive in your relationship? Please share – I would love to hear your stories. 🙂

Lasting Love

My kids surprise me with how mature they are at times. They respond to various situations in ways that would put many adults, including myself, to shame. Like the time I forgot it was early pick up day for E and showed up at his school an hour late (!) and he gave me an unexpected, but very sweet, kiss on the lips as a gesture of his forgiveness. And the times I see C treating her old chicky just as well, if not better than its new counterpart, show me signs of her faithfulness.

This latter example with C really got me thinking about its analogy to marriage. Now that hubby and I have been married for about a third of our lives, I think it’s safe to say we don’t look the same as we did when we met. We’re a little more round in the middle and a lot more wrinkled and grey around the edges. We no longer sound the same either; our backs and knees creak a lot more and our voices are less energetic. We’ve become like C’s old chicky, worn down and not so appealing on the outside. If you compared us with our engagement glamour shots taken 14 years ago, you would see a noticeable difference. That’s how it is with C’s two chick toys. When you see them side by side, you can tell right off the bat which one is the new one.

20140113-090217.jpg

The old chicky shrunk in size, too!

I had initially assumed C would like the newer, brighter, cleaner chicky more than her old one. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to have new things (kids and adults alike)? That’s why we like to buy new clothes, new toys, new gadgets, etc. But for some reason, C still adores her original chicky. She loves it even though its yellow fur is now matted and sparse and its white tummy is not so white. She loves it so much that sometimes she only wants to play or sleep with it. It doesn’t seem logical that she would choose the older toy over the newer one. But love doesn’t always make sense, does it?

Nope. If I have learned anything from my four year old’s love for chicky, it’s these two aspects of love.

First, love is blind. When we love, we choose to look past the external, past the temporary things. Qualities like smooth skin, a full head of hair or flat abs can be attractive, but they are very fleeting. Sooner or (hopefully!) later, we will all walk a little slower and sag a little lower. If our affection for our spouses was based on appearances, our relationships would definitely be on shaky ground after a decade or two.

Second, love remembers. When we love, we choose to remember the lasting things, namely the memories you have made over the years. The amazingly great or stressful day of your wedding. The first place you made into a home. The job offer you both prayed so hard for. The nights you spent deciphering the meaning behind Lost. The moments you waited together for the result of a pregnancy test. The secret smiles you exchanged across the room. The days you held hands in comfortable silence. The times you finished each other’s thoughts. These memories are lasting and the stuff that real life is made of. And the best part is that these shared experiences will not fall out or fade or grow grey with time. In fact, the longer you are married, the more you will build upon your memories and the stronger your bond will be.

So on this Valentine’s Day, may we be reminded to look at our spouses with new eyes (behind the contacts or bifocals you may be wearing). Eyes that focus and see their inner beauty and worth. Eyes that remember the highs and lows you have come through as a couple. Eyes that say, “I’m still into you.” 🙂

The song for this post is Paramore’s “Still Into You“. Take a good listen to the lyrics (when you’re not dancin’!) cause they speak of lasting love.

How do you see your spouse/significant other? 

A Better Spouse

Hubby recently told me that one of his friends said, “You married a good wife.”

My reaction to him was, “Huh, what are you saying about me behind my back?” and the one to myself was, Yeah, you go, girl!  ðŸ˜‰

I think everyone enjoys getting complimented, right? We all like to feel good about ourselves and to look good to other people. So I was more than happy to hear that someone would think I’m a good wife. And to be honest, I’ve thought the same thing myself on occasion.

I cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, take care of the kids, listen to hubby vent, put up with his crazy work schedule, etc. 

I am a good wife!

I’ve even gone to the point of thinking, I’m not just good, I’m better. I’m the better spouse. I’m easier to live with. I don’t leave my socks in random places around the house. I’m so easy going. The list could go on and on. (And my head would grow bigger and bigger.)

I would likely have a very huge ego by now if it were not for an incident that happened one morning. I had just stepped out of a nice, hot shower and grabbed my towel off the rack when something in the trash can caught my eye. Lying on top of a bunch of wadded up tissues was a clump of long, wet hair. I leaned down to take a closer look and realized the black blob had once belonged to me. Over time, I had shed a long lost relative of Cousin Itt in the shower and someone had picked it up and thrown it into the trash. That someone had been my hubby.

In that instant the reality of the situation hit me as strongly as the cold air that had met me when I stepped out of the shower.

Are there things about me that annoy him, like my hair always clogging up the drain? Is there a slim possibility that I’m not as easy to live with after all?! (Gasp!)

Image courtesy of winnond/freedigitalphotos.net

Image courtesy of winnond/freedigitalphotos.net

I know my tendency to shed in the shower (and all over the house) is not that big of a deal. Just the fact that hubby discarded my hair without mentioning it shows it’s a minor issue for him. But likewise, hubby’s tendency to shed his socks around the house shouldn’t be a big deal either, yet I confess I have made it into one in the past. This got me thinking – could it be that one reason I believe I am a good wife is because hubby often chooses to overlook my imperfections? In actuality, I know there are things that I do or the way in which I do them that cause him to sigh and shake his head. However, he is quite patient with me and gives me grace as I grow. I, on the other hand, am not so kind. I would rather downplay my shortcomings and focus instead on his. Clever, huh? It’s the classic speck and log scenario, which I admit I fall prey to quite often throughout our marriage (Matthew 7:1-5).

What I’ve come to realize though is that marriage should not be about criticizing or comparing, but about cooperating and giving grace. When two people share the same roof, conflicts and disappointments are bound to happen. A harmonious relationship takes a lot of work and time to achieve. As a marriage goes through its growing pains, the point isn’t to figure out who is doing more or less in the relationship (cause it will never work out perfectly fairly). What matters is keeping the right perspective of our spouse.

When we choose to see our husband or wife as good – essentially as valuable and lovable – a lot of the things that annoy and irritate us will go by the wayside. It will become more natural to show patience and understanding on a daily basis. It will become easier to see the planks in our own eyes. It won’t be a big deal anymore to pick up socks off the floor or hair from the shower drain.

Because when it all comes down to it, the goal of marriage is not to focus on who is or is not the better spouse, but to become a better spouse.

Take a listen to John Legend’s song, “All of Me“. I like the line about loving all the “perfect imperfections”. 🙂

What perfect imperfections have you come to love about your spouse?

From Strangers to Family

We’ve been doing some home renovations for the past few months. Most recently, the whole family was involved in painting the kitchen cabinets. Hubby and I painted the upper cabinet doors, while the kids did the lower ones. While we were working, I remarked to hubby that we (he and I) have done quite a lot of painting together, starting from when we were dating. He looked at me with an amused expression and said, “Yeah, you surprised me. I didn’t know you very well back then.” I grinned and replied, “I didn’t know you well back then either!”

Our first painting experience together took place almost fifteen years ago when I helped his family paint their house; since then we have come a verrry long way. We went from “Oh, I think he/she’s cute and I want to know him/her better” to getting married to showing our true selves to each other on a daily basis. It’s almost funny to think that as newlyweds, we were embarrassed to fart in front of the other person! That however has totally changed and we’ve seen, heard and smelled more of the other person than we ever imagined we would. HAHA

Isn’t it strange how two people go from being complete strangers to becoming family? It’s a comforting and scary thought all at the same time. Comforting because when you are able to be that comfortable with your spouse, you get to experience a deeper kind of love.

It’s the kind of love that drives someone to…
~ kiss you when you have morning breath
~ buy you chocolate for your next PMS attack
~ allow you to squeeze the life out of his hand during a contraction

It’s also the kind of love that motivates someone to…
~ not nag when you leave your socks in the middle of the floor
~ listen to you complain about your stressful day at work
~ let you buy that new electronic gadget you’ve been drooling over

However, when you are that close to your spouse, things can get a little scary, too. There are plenty of chances to rant and complain and blame and belittle. There are more than enough opportunities to show that side of you that you would never, EVER think of showing to your coworkers, friends or neighbors. But if you have a good foundation of that deeper kind of love to sustain you, you learn to apologize, forgive and try again.

Now, how do you keep the love flowing in your marriage so you not only don’t kill each other, but you actually like one another?

I don’t have any profound answers, but I think it helps to go back in time and think about what worked before. Back to a time when you and your spouse tried to impress one another with the things you said and did. Back to the days when that one Facebook message, text, email, phone call or snail mail letter (depending on how far back you need to go!) from your spouse made your whole day.

Image courtesy of stockimages/freedigitalphotos.net

When all else fails, you can always go back to these three timeless basics of a relationship:

1. Practice your manners. Smile at your spouse every day, so it looks like you’re happy to see him/her. 🙂 Say “please” and “thank you”, even for things you think he/she was supposed to do or should have done last week. It not only makes him/her feel treasured, it helps you to have a grateful attitude.

2. Be courteous. Treat your spouse like the person you once so desperately wanted to get to know. Make eye contact and ask about their day (and put your phone down). Listen attentively and nod once in a while (and resist the urge to peek at your phone). Make him/her feel like you care about their concerns – cause you do! Ask for their opinion when making decisions. Be a team player and make your partner feel needed and appreciated.

3. Go beyond yourself. Do something you used to do when you were trying to win your spouse over. Maybe you used to buy her that dessert she likes or leave work early just to surprise her? Or maybe you used to watch basketball with him or compliment him on how hard he works? Go above and beyond yourself and invest a little time and energy into making your spouse feel important.

Marriage is like our bodies. What goes into our body and how we treat it determines how healthy, strong and energetic we feel. Similarly, what we put into our marriages determines if our homes are happy and healthy sanctuaries… or if they feel like suffocating and depressing traps. The choice is up to you. The good news is that every little positive thought and action counts – you just need to start. You, your spouse and family are worth it.

To help you remember what it was like to date your spouse and why you wanted to marry him/her in the first place, listen to Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran’s song, “Everything Has Changed“.

What drew you to your spouse when you first met as strangers? What do you appreciate about him/her now that you are one family?

To Nag or Not to Nag

Beautiful view!
As I type this, I am blessed to be sitting by the ocean and witnessing a vow renewal nearby of a couple who has been married for 41 years (yes, I eavesdropped a little). The husband has one of those old fashioned mustaches that curls up into a loop on both ends and seems to love chatting with their minister named Aloha (does this give away where I am? haha). The wife is wearing a long dress the color of the sea and though she talks less, she offers a sweet smile as she poses for pictures with their children and grandchildren. It’s a very nice scene to behold.

Well, now that I’ve told you I’m on vacation, I will let you know that my brain is busy relaxing so I have nothing new to blog about. 🙂 But I will share with you an article that I wrote a few months ago so you can read about my confessions as a (recovering) nagging wife.

And here’s a song by Kolohe Kai called “Butterflies” that is all about loving (and not nagging) your special someone. 

Where have you gone on vacation this summer?

Marriage According to Ben

‘Tis the season of shorts and sandals, beach trips, ice cream and “I Do’s”. If you took a look at my Facebook lately, you’d see picture after picture and post after post about engagements and weddings. Many of the young kiddies that I saw growing up in church are now adults(!) and doing what adults do – walking down the aisle. I remember the years ago in my twenties when we would attend a wedding almost every single month. Believe me, that was a lot of food to eat because Chinese people usually have ten course banquets! They were the ultimate celebrations of food, folks and fun (and a precursor to all the baby showers we would be attending in our thirties).

Looking at all the photos on Facebook, I can’t help but smile at the lovely couples I see dancing and gazing starry-eyed at each other. There’s such a newness about it all, something magical about finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and making that declaration to everyone. Weddings are so full of sweetness and innocence and hope.

Image courtesy of photostock/freedigitalpictures.net

It is definitely the calm before the storm.

I’m not saying all marriages end up going through hard times, but there is a reason why people talk about there being a honeymoon period and that it eventually ends. Reality sets in when the dirty dishes pile up in the sink, when there are bills to pay, when kids get sick or a spouse loses a job. But it’s those times when storms blow through your life that you realize why you made vows on your wedding day.

After a dozen years of marriage, I’ve realized it’s easy to love someone or to be lovable when life is going well (especially when you’re on vacation). But for the rest of the time, marriage is exactly what Ben Affleck called it during his Oscar acceptance speech – it’s work.

It takes work to:

~ Consider someone else’s needs above your own
~ Share (your food, time, space, TV remote, etc.)
~ Forgive and accept each other
~ Cooperate without grumbling
~ Give when you’d rather receive
~ Listen without judgment
~ Be supportive and encouraging
~ Not take your spouse for granted

But, also as Ben said, “It’s the best kind of work and there’s no one else (he’d) rather do it with (than his wife).”

The same goes for me and my hubby. Even the other night as we were walking the aisles at Fry’s during our date night (his pick of course, haha), we were working on our marriage. We were making the time to spend together and have adult conversation and share in each other’s interests. 🙂 These little moments of work all add up to make our relationship better. And when both people in a marriage are happy, it’s a whole lotta fun.

Here’s a song by Matchbox Twenty, “Overjoyed” that is a beautiful description of marriage.

What do you and your spouse do to work on your marriage?

Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo… margaritas!

That’s probably what most people think of in relation to the 5th of May. For me, however, I think of a white gown, spring allergies and 90 degree weather with no A/C!

Cinco de Mayo is my and hubby’s wedding anniversary and this year we celebrated eleven years. Yes, eleven years.  That seems like a very long time, long enough where I no longer just think about growing old with hubby, I am growing old with him.  Sure, time flies when you’re having fun, but marriage, unfortunately, isn’t all fun and games.  Having a happy, fulfilling relationship takes a lot of work. I repeat, a lot of work.

As an almost only child (aka. someone who is selfish and used to getting my way) and non-communicator (verbally that is!), I’ve had to learn some tough lessons about a marriage relationship. Here are 3 of those lessons that have helped me tremendously in becoming a better (though not perfect!) and happier life partner.

1. Be positive. There was a time right after the honeymoon period ended when I started working on my math skills. More specifically, I got really good at keeping score.  I would have conversations like this in my head:

50 points for me for doing the dishes
100 points for me for cooking
50 points for me for doing laundry
– 30 points for hubby for not taking out the garbage
– 20 points for hubby’s “lost socks”

I may have gotten really good at addition and subtraction, but keeping track of all the things hubby wasn’t doing right (in my perspective) turned me into an unhappy, critical person.  I lost sight (and track) of all the things he was doing well, like surprising me with a milk tea at work or taking the time to listen to me vent about my job.

So I did the “Men in Black” trick – I tried to erase my (negative) thoughts and memories about hubby and focus on the good ones.  I didn’t have a fancy neuralyzer to help me do this, but just relied on good old fashioned technology, namely an attitude adjustment.  It’s amazing how having a positive outlook of hubby helps me to be a happier spouse, too.  🙂

2. Never assume.  You know how there are some people who speak their minds all the time so you know exactly what they are thinking about?  Well, unfortunately I’m not one of those people.  I’m all for the idea that silence speaks louder than words.  🙂  So, in the early years of our marriage, I admit I subjected hubby to many experiments to see whether or not he was a mind reader.

It took me a while to realize that I should never assume hubby would know when I was upset about something or, even more importantly, why I was upset.  How could he know I’d been waiting two days for him to take the garbage out if I didn’t let him know?  Sure, I could hope he would see the garbage piling up and the flies buzzing around it (I’m kidding!), but it would be a lot easier to just bring it up.  Expecting hubby to know exactly what I am thinking about without telling him is like having a body full of hives and not wanting to do anything about the intense itching – it’s unrealistic and frustrating!

As I began to open up and speak up (and stop relying on my Jedi mind tricks), communication became a lot easier and simpler for both hubby and me.  Once again, learning this lesson made me a happier person to live with.

3. Row together.  On our honeymoon in Kauai, we spent a morning learning about kayaking and marriage from a tour guide.  He told us that tandem kayaking is a great way of seeing how well couples, especially newlyweds, work together.  He couldn’t have been more right!

Image courtesy of wiangya/freedigitalphotos.net

I learned on that day, and the 4,015 days that followed(!), that rowing together takes lots of humility and patience – humility to listen and take directions from each other and patience to keep rowing until you get the right rhythm.  Marriage is like kayaking; it’s all about cooperation, doing what’s best for the team and making sure you have your partner’s back.

The hardest lesson I’ve had to swallow is that all is not fair in love and war.  There are times when one person needs to do more than 50% (or whatever they think is their share in the relationship).  If one person can’t row for a while, the other teammate will need to do more to keep the kayak going.  It won’t be fun or easy, but this is definitely the “for better and for worse” part of love.

Hubby and I took turns “rowing more” so we could both finish our degrees.  He took on all the financial burdens of our family when I quit working full-time to go to school.  Later on, I took on much of the responsibilities at home (with a toddler and newborn) when he took night classes.  There were some crazy days (and I’m so glad I had family around to help), but we did our best to support each other.  We really made it a joint effort of earning those diplomas!  Now, if only I could claim his degree on my resume.  😛

In reality, I guess eleven years isn’t that long of a time period.  It’s barely like a teenager in terms of people years (it’s a completely different story though in dog years!).  I’m sure there is still much to learn about marriage.  So, I’ll just keep on rowing with hubby and see what the next eleven years (and more) may bring.

Here’s Colbie Caillat’s song for the one I said, “I Do” to on Cinco de Mayo… 🙂

What lessons have you learned about marriage (either your own or someone else’s)?

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