There’s a saying that goes, “In every life a little rain must fall”. Fortunately I’ve had a pretty clear weather forecast throughout my life (I think God knows I can’t handle much!), so I’ve been used to having things go “my way”. It was quite unexpected therefore when I faced my first downpour three years ago.
It was three years ago this month that I walked into my doctor’s appointment anxious, excited and hopeful… and walked out in disbelief and sorrow. I remember everything about that day – what I was wearing, how hot and sunny it was, how sad the doctor looked when she told me she could only find one baby on the ultrasound instead of two… and how I had to break the news over the phone to hubby who was at work.
This was one storm we weren’t expecting or prepared for. But there we were in the midst of it, soaking wet and cold. And during that very same week of the appointment, hubby had also been close to losing his job. When it rains, it really does pour!
It’s true that time does heal…though it was hard to grieve while taking care of a toddler, but sometimes those distractions are what keep you moving forward when you wish the world would stop. And a burden shared among friends and family becomes lighter than trying to take it all on yourself (though I did try to hide in my turtle shell at times). I don’t regret that we told people early on that we had been expecting twins. It would have been harder if we hadn’t; we would have had to pretend everything was okay after the miscarriage (and I’m not a very good poker player). I valued all the hugs, flowers and cards we got and the well-intentioned comments we received. It was comforting for us to know that so many people were praying for us, even people we had never met.
These days I try to hold on to the good that came from the bad – I’m so thankful we have one ultrasound picture of C and her twin.
Recently, C has been saying she wants, “liang ge mei mei” (translation = two little sister, which is how she refers to herself). Not sure where she got this idea from, it may have been because she recently met her identical twin cousins for the first time. Or maybe she knows more than we think? Whatever the case is, when I heard her say that, I wished with all my heart that we had “two C’s”, too. But for now, when I hear her call, “Mama, look!” and see her spin and dance around, I can imagine another little one in a place with all sunshine (and no rain!) dancing happily with Jesus.
Here’s a beautiful song about heaven from Mercy Me – “I Can Only Imagine“.